Want It Done Right Journal 1Q 2007

Feature Article • Delegation Dr Daily Dose • Corner Crack-up • WIDR Products & Services • My Virtual Manager^TM

Conflict Prevention Outshines

Conflict Management

If I could eliminate one word from our vocabulary, it would be the word conflict. It seems we jump to label situations as conflict when often they’re simply a lack of clarification. Unfortunately, once the situation is labeled as conflict all the concomitant feelings, reactions, and fears follow the label like lemmings off a cliff.

Conflict is defined in the dictionary as “emotional tension resulting from incompatible inner needs and drives” and “the opposition of persons or forces that gives rise to the dramatic action in a drama”. What these definitions fail to capture is the role our perceptions play in conflict. In other words, two people could look at the same situation—even two people with the same emotional tension—and interpret the situation differently. In our perceptions then, lay the opportunity to define the situation as something other than conflict.

In the last Want It Done Right Journal feature article I discussed how to turn our reaction cycle—Perception, Judgment, Reaction—into an action cycle— Perception, Judgment, Action. The key to this transition was to lengthen the time in the Perception and Judgment phases of the cycle so we could make choices to act rather than react. By expanding the front end of the cycle we could decrease the number and intensity of consequences to deal with on the back end of the cycle. A similar concept holds true in the face of potential conflict. By looking more closely at our perceptions and judgments before labeling a situation we can redefine and therefore defuse conflict.

Ironically, those of us who describe ourselves as conflict averse are often the biggest culprits in creating conflict. We don’t do so intentionally. It’s just that by avoiding conflict we give our perceptions and judgments over to the devil of paranoia referred to in the quote for this newsletter. We don’t perform a reality check on our perceptions and judgments within ourselves or with others so as our void of information expands so does our paranoia right along with it. We start imagining, assuming, and attributing all kinds of motivations and intentions to the person we think we’re in conflict with until the whole situation has become such a drama it’s almost impossible to unravel it. By taking some steps at the first hint of tension, we can better manage and prevent conflict.

Here are some helpful hints to ward off the war:

Use the word “clarification” rather than conflict. Defining a situation as “conflict” sets the stage as adversarial and gets negative emotional juices flowing. If you focus on gaining clarification, you’ll be more likely to have a calm approach and an open mind. If you also hold the intention of truly wanting to hear and understand the other person’s position, you will notice that common ground can be more easily found.
Pay close attention to your perceptions and judgments. This is even more important in emotionally loaded circumstances because perceptions and judgments become more clouded and biased than normal. Try to evaluate what your perceptions and judgments are. Ask yourself if you’re being reasonable and fair. Better yet, ask others for their perspective and adjust your perceptions accordingly.
Actively seek to fill in your information gaps versus letting paranoid thinking take hold. The more information you have, the better decisions you make and the more productive actions you take. If you don’t actively seek information you’ll be more inclined to make assumptions and you know what happens when you assume!
Relieve the pressure. Talk the situation over with someone you respect or trust. Or go for a walk to clear your head. Do whatever helps you to settle your mind and gain perspective. Allowing the pressure to release will make sure you don’t boil over.
Believe the situation can be resolved positively. Beliefs are powerful; the power of the self-fulfilling prophecy. Even if you don’t believe this is true, opening your mind to the possibility increases the likelihood that you’ll approach a situation or person from a more positive perspective. When you approach others with optimism you increase the likelihood of a positive result.
Avoid the extremes of passivity and aggression. If you tend to be passive you probably push your feelings under the rug hoping they’ll go away. Unfortunately the emotional dust bunnies that collect grow to the size of Godzilla and one unsuspecting day you blow. Typically you blow over something of small consequence just because you hit your emotional boiling point. When the blow occurs, you can lose credibility, friends or both. Not a good scenario. If you’re aggressive on the other hand, you’ve developed an abrasive “don’t mess with me” style. Everything is grounds for conflict. Being in a consistently tense state is not pleasant for you or anyone around you. Just as with passive types, you often lose credibility, friends or both.
Choose the middle ground or assertive approach. As one of my closest friends used to say, “Choose the hill you’re willing to die on.” We’re not cats with nine lives, we can only “die” once so pick wisely which “battle” to stand firm on. Conceding points that are less important can help you achieve the goals that are important and create a win-win rather than a win-lose scenario.
Know yourself. Know how you tend to interpret and react to perceived conflict. Develop skills to handle these situations differently. If you tend to be passive or aggressive in your style, try attending an assertiveness training class to move toward the middle ground. Practice what you learn until you’re comfortable with your new skills. They will serve you and others well.
Celebrate successes, small and large. Successes can include defusing a charged situation or achieving a “win”; even a small one. Look for steps in the right direction or a positive outcome to build your confidence for handling the next situation.

It’s not typical to think of conflict as a choice but ultimately it is. We choose how to perceive and how to respond to situations and people. Rather than seeing ourselves as victims, we can exercise our free will. We can choose to engage in battle or select more constructive alternatives. Our peace of mind, our health and even our quality of life depend on the choices we make.

Corner Crack-up

Employer: "In this job we need someone who is responsible."

Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."

Delegation Doctor’s Daily Dose

Springtime seems to make people smile. Warmer weather, flowers in bloom, trees pushing new buds, and birds chirping tend to bring us a sense of new beginnings. The world awakening from winter’s slumber brings the optimism and energy of hope. Like waking from a refreshing nap, we’re recharged and invigorated. So how do we fend off the clouds that tend to scuttle across the sky of our daily routines?

Here’s a Mental Health Multivitamin:

Take a few minutes each morning to plan your day. Breathe deeply and think about what you really want or need to accomplish. Plan your day around the critical few. A few minutes of planning can set the stage for a more meaningful and fulfilled day.
Focus on priorities. Once you have your plan, maintain your focus on what’s important to you. Sure there will be distractions. Sure there will be other demands. But keeping your focus in mind will help you return to what’s most important at your earliest possible opportunity.
Schedule around distractions. If you know there are events that will challenge your focus, plan your schedule around them. For example, if you know the afternoons in the office are more frenzied, plan your concentrated work time in the morning.
Don’t overbook yourself. Be realistic about the number and size of goals you set for your day. You’ll feel better at the end of the day if you set three key goals and accomplish them than if you set ten and only accomplish three.
Always carry something with you to do. Paperwork that’s been sitting on your desk, a newspaper, book or game you enjoy are all good carry-along candidates. The idea is to be prepared if you get caught in a situation where you have to wait. If you have something with you, you can make the most of your time rather than feeling frustrated with all the work waiting for you elsewhere.
Allow sufficient time to get where you need to go and do what you need to do. Much of our stress comes from being constantly rushed. If you tend to run late or are habitually rushing to arrive to your destination on time try consistently adding five minutes to the time you typically allow. Work up to ten minutes to be sure you’ll always be on time and won’t be rushing to do so. If you’re carrying something with you to do as mentioned above your time won’t be wasted if you arrive early.
Watch your self-talk. You may be your own worst enemy. If you find you’re constantly berating yourself, challenge your “inner voice” to either be constructive or stay quiet.
Recognize that change is a process. Change doesn’t happen overnight; it’s a gradual and cyclical process of learning and practicing before new behaviors are ingrained. Be patient and encouraging with yourself through your learning process.
Take care of your body. A healthy diet, exercise, and sleep are the keys to optimal health. Under stress bad habits often take hold. Caffeine, alcohol and sugar consumption tend to skyrocket under stress. Unfortunately, while these short-term mood boosters may help you to feel better initially, ultimately they have a negative effect on your ability to manage stress.
Take a few minutes at the end of the day to review what went well during the day, what you learned and what you’d like to do differently in the future. This reflection time will be well spent by helping you make the most of each day; helping you learn something from days that didn’t go well and celebrate days that did go well.
Make notes about what works and doesn’t work on a daily basis to maintain a happy and healthy state. Each of us is unique so there’s no single program that works for everyone. Tracking information will help you design a lifestyle that is best suited to you.

The Mental Health Multivitamin may be hard to swallow but it will help keep those mental clouds from forming. May the sun shine on your path everyday of the year!

WIDR

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